My Death Drive Demands I Vote for Stephen Harper

In case you suck at life, tomorrow is election day so it’s time to get out and vote and show all those people dying in Middle East what they’re dying for. Or, spit in their face with another mammoth display of voter apathy. Which ever. Accordingly, I’m sitting here thinking over who I should vote for. As a human being with a cerebral cortex, my immediate conviction is Anything But Conservative (ABC, thank you Danny), which, given my riding, leaves me with two options: Liberal or NDP. The dilemma for Canadian voters is trying to negotiate between voting for the party/leader or the candidate. For me it’s all about the candidate. As much as I love Jack Layton and despise Ignatieff, the NDP just doesn’t have the talent pool to do justice to their party/leader. Ergo, I’m left with the Liberals, who are basically the Conservatives in slow-motion. But, the more I think about world issues the more I think, what’s the point? None of these candidates are willing to make the kind of changes that are needed to halt global warming, reverse poverty/wage differential trends, and save the economy – not to mention the plethora other issues.

Here’s what I’m thinking. We’ve fucked up the world so bad right now that we need some kind of reset button. Stephen Harper is that reset button. With all his evangelical puritanism, I don’t think Harper actually wants to be “Primer Minister” per se; he wants to be the LAST PRIME MINISTER. He wants to be the guy leading the righteous into heaven after Judgment Day has arrived to bask in the glorious Rapture. Don’t believe me? How else can you explain his egregious decisions he has made just as a minority? Bigger prisons and stiffer sentencing despite lowering crime rates; splurging on G8 summits and fighter planes amidst deficits; complete disregard for climate issues, and tax breaks to multi-nationals and oil companies; funding cuts to woman’s health  and refusing to support abortion in third world countries, perpetuating poverty conditions and scaling back any developments in women’s rights. Need I go on?

What really shocks/impresses me about Harper is his out and out disregard for democracy. The opposition wanted to form a coalition, which is %100 their constitutional right. Harper’s all, “GTFO, I’m proroguing this shit.” The military were accused of torturing detainees in Iraq and Harper’s Government were also accused of having known about it. Parliament’s all, “WTF, we want documents.” Harper’s all, “documents? you cannot has.” Again, Parliament’s all, “you lied about military spending, WTF?” Harper’s all, “you cannot has docs.”So, Miliken finds them in contempt and we now find ourselves in another election. Allow me to stress this point. The Harper Government (which he changed from “The Government of Canada”) is the FIRST in the history of the COMMONWEALTH that has been found in contempt. Now that’s an accomplishment.

I know what you’re thinking. “Brad, Harper is a wolf and he’s not even bothering to hide in sheep’s clothing. He’s bad for Canada. He’s bad for the WORLD.” And that’s exactly my point. Oil companies are destroying the globe and aren’t being held responsible, AIDS is ravaging Africa, Donald Trump may be the next president, and China, an oppressive regime notorious for human rights violations, is quickly becoming the next world power. Stephen Harper is our only hope.

You see, all this doom and gloom got my death drive all excited and now I just want to return to a prior state of chaos and disunity. We need to liquefy the current regimes of power and start from scratch. I’m talking Fight Club shit here. You know, that final scene when Edward Norton and Helen Bonham Carter are staring out of the window watching all the skyscrapers fall. I want a return to the Dark Ages of barbarism. I want to ride a horse, looting and pillaging villages, fighting with swords. I want a life that is nasty, brutish, and short.

Why do I want the judgment day? Aside from the blank slate and the chance to start over and do things right, I want what comes with every judgment day: zombies. Don’t deny that you haven’t fantasized about the zombie apocalypse, too. Everybody has. See, we all want to know whether or not we would have what it takes to survive Z-Day. We want to put ourselves to the test and see if we’re as tough as our egos lead us to believe. Moreover, a deeper, darker side of us wants to experience that purification process. We want to burn the fat not only from our souls but from society as well. We want to get rid of everyone that Darwin should’ve but couldn’t because of all the niceties of modernity.

Admit it. We all love zombie movies, isn’t it about time we just embraced it? My own strategy is to make my way to Quebec City and set up camp there. Why? Because it’s the only fortified city in North America that’s why. I don’t trust the old buildings in St. John’s. As much as I respect Shannie Duff’s heritage agenda, it’s leaving the city seriously exposed for a zombie invasion. They’ll chew through those old, Victorian wooden matchboxes like butter. Also, those narrow streets are a nightmare. I want a clear field of vision. Too many places to hide and surprise a brother. Also, imagine trying to maneuver an armored bus (an inevitability in any Z-day scenario) through something like that?

(ideal Zombie fortification)

Real talk: get off your lazy, bourgeois ass and vote, mother fucker. Check vote compass to see where your ideologies general lay in case you haven’t given it much thought and feel you’re not sufficiently “informed” to vote (seriously, there is no standard for being an informed voter; democracy is always a risk). Also, if you’re disenchanted with the process, which is fair enough, you should go out and cast a false ballot. Politicians actually count wasted ballots and it breaks their heart. It’s a great way to protest, letting them know that you’re not participating out of conviction, not apathy. Trust me, Harper and co. WANT you not to vote. It’s a lot easier to mobilize their base and control the election that way.




~ by braddunne on May 1, 2011.

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